I teach people how to be better Human Beings.
The topic of friendship comes up in most of my Q&A with clients and students I coach. There is an increasingly alarming decline in the morality of adults in a time where our young adults need to see strong leaders who exemplify the values of loyalty and unity.
I spent 3 years doing a tele-series on toxic friendships.
The topic always brought a myriad of questions ranging from lifelong friendships going sour to parents wanting advice on how to explain fake friendships to their teens. I have to remind people that at any given moment, a person can change and the person you once knew has metamorphosed into someone you are growing with or growing away from. In some instances, the person who changes is you. You wake up and you realize that the people you are choosing to surround yourself with are toxic. You then start calling other people to ask if you are being an "asshole" for making a decision to end a friendship.
Here are several signs that someone might not be as real of a friend as they pretend to be:
- You read their social media posts after a conversation or situation you've had and you know the subliminal passive-aggressive posts are about you.
You know when someone is talking about you. Venting on social media is tacky and the best of us still participate in it. I often tell my clients, "if you are having an issue with someone and you haven't bothered to talk to them about it, don't post it on social media." The drama that ensues will take the best out of your day, and the reason will be your own. When you see someone doing this, take the sign as a way that you have the grace to disassociate.
- You get excluded from social activities or your friend will go out of their way to outshine you in a social situation.
All friendships aren't inclusive. If you are not getting invited to social events with your friends, it's not just a coincidence. Some people are overlooking the red flags and waiting for someone to tell them that this is happening. Here is your sign.
- Your friend never congratulates your wins, your milestones, or your personal blessings.
You have the right to be happy, yet sometimes you will look around and the people you are the closest to won't be anywhere to cheer you on. Sometimes it's not personal. I admit I'm not online as much as other people and I miss out on milestones by days for some of my friends. I do, however, take the time to congratulate them both publicly and privately for their blessings , wins and milestones. If you see people noticeably absent all of the time - that's a sign. People aren't missing each and every thing you post; they are actively participating in not being happy for and with you..
- You see your friend online commenting and 'liking' all other posts but yours.
Silence says a lot about how someone feels about you. This is really a reminder of #3. People don't miss out on things. If you feel the need to reach out to a friend to see how they are and they are standoffish or rude to you, you have your answer as to where they are in their life at the present moment. It's not necessarily YOU. I find that if you are having a lot of amazing things in your life and you're around someone who isn't saying anything, they are speaking loudly, with no words.
- They live close to you but never make an effort to see you or spend time with you, but get around mutual friends and pretend they've been trying to hook up with you.
I know that this will ruffle some feathers because I'm an introvert and if I were an introvert who liked to play the victim, I would say that people know I'm anti social. If you're friends know you are perhaps sensitive to energies and like to meet up on-on-one but still never extend themselves, there's a reason for that. If you feel it's a mishap have a conversation with your friend. If your friend continues the same pattern, that is your sign.
- They take advantage of your weaknesses and set out to make you look bad.
This is the worst! When you finally get the nerve to confront someone on the pettiness and then they act condescending, facetious, and try to push your buttons so you can get angry to justify their actions. Don't fall for it! If someone begins to do things in the midst of a heated conversation to make you feel like getting out of character, politely step away from the conversation. This is your sign.
- They get petty when you adhere to your boundaries
If you want to eliminate fake friendships, simply stick to your boundaries. Your boundaries are your key exiting strategy. People who like to use and abuse others won't adhere to boundaries and that's why you tend to leave people like this behind. You will save yourself a lot of time and heartache when you "time-out", maybe to let them get their life together, then you are welcome to do that. If the signs are the same after your break, you will now it's time to exit.
I hope these help someone today!
Jayla The Self Esteem Queen