self harm

Domestic Violence Awareness - Exposing the Abusive Female

When you look at the above picture, your first impression is that I'm a victim of domestic violence.   While visually this is true, what's also a fact is that I've fought and instigated fights in many of my dysfunctional relationships.  In other words, I WAS the dysfunction. 

The abuse started young.
I stabbed my first boyfriend in the ninth grade.  I was thirteen years old.  He and I still talk about that to this day.  I vividly remember asking him to leave my house after finding out he was at a party over the weekend with a girl while he told me he was at home.  I came out of the bathroom to find my front door still locked from the inside.  I knew he was still in my house, and it enraged me.  When I found him, in a box, I stabbed him several times.  He ended up going to get stitches, and just like he lied to me, he lied to his mom about what happened to him.  Young, dysfunctional love.

I didn't learn the lesson, and the pain continued.
In college, I dated a guy who ended up having two kids while we were living together.  When I found out about the kids and confronted him, he threw me through the shower door, shattering the door and leaving me in the rubble.  I stayed with him longer than I should have because I had already introduced him to my family and friends and didn't want to have to explain the reason it didn't work out.  Young adult dysfunctional love.

In the picture above, I actually initiated the fight, and hit the person first,  His natural reaction to being punched in the face was to hit me back,  He spent 30 days in jail; I walked away looking like the victim.  Truth was, so was he.  How many women are abusive to men, and then run and scream, "domestic violence" when the man attacks them back?  I know this is not true in all cases, however, it was true in many instances of my life.  No one deserves to be abused spiritually, verbally, financially, mentally, emotionally, or physically.  This is something we all know for sure.  We rarely, however, hear the stories of men who endure physical abuse and don't hit back, men who endure emotional abuse and say nothing for months or years...  We only hear what happens when women are victimized by men.

As an adult, I have abruptly ended relationships when I see one red flag.  I don't normally give second chances.  This has reduced my violent tendencies, and it has also reduced the time I now spend on relationships that don't serve me.  This month, I want women to stop and acknowledge the battered men out there who stay in abusive relationships, suffering in silence to save a relationship.  They are no different because they are males.   They too, suffer from abuse, and need to be acknowledged and supported.


Are you focused on the positive?

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. 

Around the world, survivors are telling others around us our stories of hope, faith, and the pain we live with as suicide survivors.  Make no mistake; there are plenty of people who do not understand why people take their lives, and they see it as a selfish act meant to hurt others.

I'm here to tell you that this is not always the case.  When I mentor teens on depression and suicide, I always tell them to focus on the positive and work hard to refuse to acknowledge the negative.  There are so many things that can bring a person down, and often, we're not taught how to cope with the stress of let downs, disappointments, and setbacks.  When the pain is unbearable, when you no longer have the wherewithal to keep up the fake smile, and the tears seem to stream down your face, you really wish you had someone to talk to, someone to comfort you, and someone to let you know that all is well, and that it will get better.

If you're suffering right now, and you feel like your lows outweigh your highs, please know I am here.  I understand.  I have been there, and sometimes, travel back there.  If I had one piece of advice for you today, it would be to this: focus on the positive.  Focus on even the smallest things - the ability to see, hear, smell, feel, and touch.  Fpcus on the little bit of good around you.  Focus on all of the things that have at one point, brought you joy.  If you need someone to talk to, please call 1-800-273-8255.  This is the number to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the US.  If you are a teen, and you need to reach out to me, I offer FREE SKYPE SESSIONS for teens who are living with depression - notice I don't say, "struggling" - it's not always a struggle, and we don't want to keep giving it that title and power.

Please know you are not alone.  If you need me, I am here.

I love you, and there's absolutely, positively, nothin' you can do about it.


Overcoming the voices

My name is Dawn.  I used to be a self-mutilater.  You know me as the self-esteem queen.  Every single day, I have to re-earn that title.  I also teach people how they can reach their own levels of being self-esteem queens and self-esteem kings.

There's too much smoke, and lots of mirrors.  No one talks about the real issues anymore.  No one is looking to help others anymore; it's all about building a "brand" that looks good and altruistic, but is really set up under false motives.  Healing others while going through things yourself is not a branding technique, and yes, even us, 'healers" have things we are healing from which is why we take the time to help others through their pain.

On a bad day, my legs used to take a beating.  I was in a very abusive relationship - with myself.  There are no career heights, no amounts of money earned, and no amount of "followers", that can ever mute the voices of depression.  They come in the deadest of silence, and they make sure that no one is there to interrupt them from freely speaking.

Those of us who are able to maneuver around the voices of depression have stories to tell.  One day, I will tell my story.

Today, I just want to remind those of you out there who have those voices that tell you you're not worthy, you're not enough, you're not ever going to get past where you are now.... Please, continue to prove them wrong.  I know it's a daily, and sometimes moment to moment battle, but I want you sincerely to come out on the living end.

I do understand.  Sometimes, when the voices get too loud, I used to cut.  Now, I pray.